I have the same recurring distressing depression, so I'm reading your story with some interest. When I get to this point, I wonder: Is it fear? Or is it recognition (after all, when you're past your prime, life IS on a downhill slide; you MIGHT die before you get your novels published; you MIGHT die alone even if you have a partner in life, and sometimes that is painful. Is it fear? Is it worry? Or is there a direct connection between the recognition that certain bad things MIGHT happen and depression. Maybe the answer doesn't even matter. Maybe all that matters is that I, at 79, am still doing relatively well and wish you well, too.